Self-Care Sunday: Choosing Myself.
I've gone through a number of life changes lately this month ( in my work, relationship & self) and I've found myself in a very vulnerable position.
For a while, I hid those feelings. I didn't want to admit that I felt sad, that I felt unsure of who I was and my place in the world. Admitting that would make me weak and therefore, I held it close. However, what I realized this past month is there is a mountain of strength in my vulnerability.
This past month, I questioned who I was and after lengthy self-deliberation, daily TED videos & inspirational music (linked below), I found her.
The good news was that she was always there & it took some deep soul-searching for me to remember what made me, me. The bad news was I had to unlearn/consciously rework many of the strategies I believed kept me safe.
Carol Dweck: The power of believing you can improve. 💖
David Steindl-Rast: Want to be happy? Be grateful. 💖
Brene Brown: Listening to shame. 💖
Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability. 💖
Shonda Rhimes: My year of saying yes to everything. 💖
That brings me to Rachel circa 2015.
I took this photo in 2015. Here we are in 2018 & I'm reaching back to a past self to learn more about who I am today.
Simply put, she didn't give a fuck. She expressed herself through her style without a care about how the world would receive it. She said how she felt with little restraint. She wasn't stifled by expectations. She wasn't perfect, and didn't care to be.
At times, she was rude, brash and totally out of line. She made mistakes, like anyone else but she knew who she was and stayed true to that. With age, has come a tremendous amount of growth but I am still her at my core. I locked her up behind my anxiety, hidden emotions and "adulting". She became a past self that I lost connection to & longed for.
For years, when asked to describe myself, I would say that I was " shy & awkward" and that was a lie.
I may not be the life of the party but I'm the shawty in the corner having a great time by herself or with a crowd. Catch me getting jiggy when "Plain Jane' by A$ap Ferg comes on.
I'm a force (a kind force), to be reckoned with. I am strong and confident and that shines through.
I may come off as "too much" to some people but it's not my job to be more palatable to the world, and it's okay that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I like to think I'm a warm, rich cup of spiced Chai with almond milk and a shot of espresso but some people may like cold, bitter Lipton.
I don't stand on the sidelines and let life pass me by, I jump in with wild passion and an openness to what life has to offer. I connect through sharing myself with others & embracing who they are. I'm an extrovert (with introvert tendencies) and proud of it.
- sidenote- I have fought admitting to my extrovert tendencies for years now because people treat extroverts like we are soul-sucking party animals when in reality, we just feel invigorated by social situations. For me, I can be alone & around others, with little problem. It's that simple.
In reaching back and finding my inner self, I also found a renewed sense of self-worth. There will be no more settling, no more silencing myself. no more changing myself to make other people comfortable.
On my journey through life and self-discovery, I'm keeping my focus on growth but staying true to myself.
I'm choosing me.
Now, I'm passing the challenge on to you.
Recognize who you are and embrace that person. Embrace their joys, passions, their mistakes and failures.
That's what makes us who we are. It's what makes us beautiful.
Love & Light,
Rachel.